Letters To No One
by ColleenMcPinto
Summary: B&B write letters during their year apart.
1. Day 1

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

Day 1

She had spent more than an entire day on planes; between the flight from D.C. to Jakarta was 21 ½ hours, then the 4 hour flight from Jakarta to Maluku. To say she was tired would be an understatement, but when she got to her villa, she was restless. She didn't know what else to do, so she sat down and wrote.

_Dear Booth,_

_I'm not sure why I'm writing this letter, Angela says writing can be therapeutic, or can help clear your mind- metaphorically of course. I suppose that's what prompted this. I went on this trip to gain perspective, to clear my head, to figure out what I really want out of my life._

_I made it to the Maluku Islands safely. The flight from D.C. to Jakarta was long (21 ½ hours), but relatively uneventful. The last time I was on a flight this long was when we went to China. I must say, you made a much better flight partner than Daisy. I'm thankful that I upgraded to business class, and she had to stay in coach. Daisy made it up to me twice before being threatened by the flight staff that she had to remain in her designated area of the cabin. I understand her enthusiasm, but I think her questions about the equipment for the dig could have waited. I'm a little nervous about spending the entire year here with her._

_I thought a lot about our flight to China on the way to Jakarta. I didn't tell you at the time, but I contemplated taking a leave of absence from the Jeffersonian then too. I told you that identification of prehistoric remains was my first passion. I missed it even then. I wonder though, why I still feel so hesitant about this trip. Perhaps it's because a year is a very long time, no matter how we try and tell ourselves it isn't. It's a year of not being partners, not eating at the diner or Founding Fathers. It's 365 days away from Angela and Jack and Cam and everyone else who's made up the best family I've ever had. I thought about them before the trip to China. I took them into consideration then, and decided I didn't want to be away. I guess sometimes I don't realize how quickly change can come, even though I was the one to tell you that change is ephemeral._

_Booth, I don't want you to think that I'm running away from you. This isn't about that night, or any nights thereafter. This is about me. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Before you, I was Temperance Brennan, the world renowned anthropologist. Before that, I was Temperance Brennan, the multiple Ph.D. candidate. Before that, I was Temperance Brennan the science prodigy. I've always been able to stand on my own and count on myself. More and more often, though I find myself being called Temperance Brennan, Seeley Booth's partner… and nothing else. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I need to learn how to distinguish myself from us. That metaphorical line has gotten so blurred. I don't know how to be myself without you, and I don't know what that means. I suppose I need to find myself in order to give us a chance._

_It's been a long day; actually it's been more than a day, so I'm going to close this simply. I miss you, Booth._

_I don't know how to end this._

_Bones._

She folded the letter and carefully slipped it into an envelope. Too tired to do anything with it then, she slipped the envelope into the desk drawer and went to bed.


	2. Day 4

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

Day 4

He was bone tired. He'd only been back with the Army for about 2 weeks, and had forgotten just how tough it was. He knew he would be mentally and emotionally tired, but Christ, he wasn't 25 anymore and doing all the physical training with the boys was draining him more than he liked to admit. Still, he figured if he was going to be training these kids (that's what he called them, kids...) to kill for their country, if he was going to be helping these kids go into harm's way so that his could be safe, the least he could do was work out and keep up with them. So 2 weeks of training and a 14 ½ hour flight to Afghanistan plus a 2 hour caravan to the base in full army gear in the hot desert did nothing for his mental, physical, or emotional state. Nevertheless, he gets to the base, and his upgraded officer's suite (which he must admit is a lot nicer than what he stayed in the last time around), and his mind is buzzing. He can't calm down, so he sits at his desk and writes.

Hey Bones,

I can't believe that we've already gone 2 weeks without seeing each other, except for at the airport. Sometimes it doesn't seem real that I'm back here in the army, and you're ten thousand miles away digging up prehistoric bones in an Indonesian jungle.

I made it through training at Fort Meade, and literally just got to the base in Kabul. It was a long flight, 14 ½ hours. The last time I was on a plane for that long was when we went to China. At least then I had a murder to keep me busy, and a lot better company than a platoon of army babies. That's what they are, Bones… babies, kids. I'm teaching people almost young enough to be my kid how to kill people. It's heartcrushing, but in a way, better than being in D.C. without you for a year.

I thought about that so-called trip to China a lot on the flight to Kabul. I wonder what it would have been like if the murder didn't happen, if you got to go see your ancient Chinese bones. Would we be here today? I think you thought about leaving the Jeffersonian even then… but you weren't ready yet. I could feel it… in my gut; just like I feel in my gut now that we need this. I told you once that I needed time, but not space… now you need time AND space. It doesn't make me happy, but I understand. We've been through a lot, Bones. More than 2 people should ever have to go through. I guess it's only natural that you need to take a step back, rethink life, reprioritize. I just wish you could have done it on a beach somewhere… with a drink in your hand and reggae music playing in the background instead of some far-off jungle digging through God-knows what to find prehistoric people. Oh well, Bones I should know better than anyone I suppose, that you never take the easy road. We said that everything changes, but I think that is one thing that will never change. You will always be stubborn.

Bones, I hope you don't think that I'm abandoning you… I know you have what Sweets would call "issues." That's why I told you at the airport (and that night before I left for Ft. Meade) that we'd meet at the coffee cart. I wanted to give you a specific date that I would come back to you. I'm not going to be like every other person. I'm not going to leave like you parents, and your lovers. I'm your partner, for life. I know, that's not logical, but it's true. We're life partners, I got your back and you've got mine… even if we're not going to be together for a year. But, really… a year's not that long, 365 days, and we're already down 4… so really it's only 361 days!

Alright, Bones, it's late, I'm tired, and I have to be up for drills in the morning (no rest for the weary when you're in the army. I forgot about that.) I leave you with this, I miss you.

361 days,

Booth.

He folded up the letter, slipped it into an envelope, and then realized he didn't have an address for her. He slipped the envelope into the desk drawer, too tired to deal with his minor oversight then. He could probably get in touch with Angela or Cam tomorrow and figure out where to send it. For now, though he needed sleep.


	3. Day 7

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

Day 7

She is hot and sweaty and dirty and sunburned. She spent the last 14 hours in the jungle, digging up the remains of the interspecies hominids and fragments of their culture from thousands of years ago, all she wants is a shower, but all she can think of is writing. She sits down at the desk and opens the drawer. She notices the last letter she wrote… the one she still hasn't sent. She keeps saying that she'll call Cam and get his address, but she never does. She thinks it's easier this way… writing to no one.

_Dear Booth,_

_I've been in the jungle for a week now. We're finally starting to get somewhere with the remains. We found 3 sets of hominid remains and they are at our makeshift lab in the main province of Tual on Kai Kecil Island. That's in southeast Maluku. I'm going to really get to look at them tomorrow. It will be nice not to be in the jungle all day, I've only been here a week, but already I feel a bit de-humanized when I'm in the jungle for so long._

_They have me set up in a nice villa, better quarters than I expected. I didn't realize that some parts of the Maluku Islands are actual tourist destinations, and they have basic amenities here. I am in a larger villa by myself. A perk, I guess you would call it, for being in charge. There are a few other authority figures nearby in places similar to mine, but Daisy and the rest of the dig crew are in dormitory like cabins closer to the dig site._

_I thought about you today on the drive to the dig site. We saw these amazing plants called Nepenthes… more commonly referred to as "Monkey Cups" because monkeys are often seen drinking water out of them. I know you like monkeys. You talk to Parker about them a lot, and when we had the case about Cam's former lover who was found in the zoo you mentioned wanting to see the monkeys there. I'm often on the lookout for them while we're in the jungle. The wildlife here is really amazing. There's a sanctuary on the island that I want to try and visit while I'm here. I brought along a camera, of course, so if there are monkeys I'll be sure to get a picture, at least for Parker._

_I don't often get alone time until I'm back at my villa, and then I find myself filled with thoughts of the past. I came here trying to figure out my future, but all I can think about is what I have done. Is that normal? Is that logical? Perhaps remembering what I have done will help me figure out what I'm meant to do next. All I do know is all my past memories include you, and I think I want my future to, as well._

_Well, Booth, I really have to finish this letter. I smell something horrible, and I think it is me. I need to shower and get some rest before my day in the lab tomorrow. I'm still not sure what these letters mean, or why I'm writing them, or if you'll ever get them… but they do seem to help me clear my head and focus my thoughts._

_Looking for monkeys and missing you (that seems an appropriate ending),_

_Bones._

She folded up the letter, and placed it in an envelope on top of her first letter. She told herself she would contact Cam soon and get his address, so if she did decide to mail them, she had the option. It simply wasn't rational that she write these letters and not send them. But then she thought nothing she ever did was really rational when it came to Booth. That's why she was here in the first place.


	4. Day 12

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

Day 12

It was the end of another long day, a day which he regretted. He always regretted it. He knows that what he's teaching the kids is making his country, his child, and any future children safer, but it doesn't help that feeling he gets. It's the feeling that no matter how many times he goes to confession, no matter how repentant he is, God won't be able to absolve all his sins. There was only one shining moment of the day, and even that wasn't too momentous, but he still felt the need to write about it before getting into a scalding shower to try and burn away the guilt of what he has to do. He wonders if tomorrow he'll finally get around to calling Cam or Angela and finding Bones' address. He doesn't know why he hasn't done it yet.

_Bones…_

_You'll never guess what I did today. I rode a camel! It was the coolest thing ever! I've never ridden a camel before, but I swear, as soon as I'm back in D.C. I'm buying a camel. I bet Parker would love one. I got a picture of myself riding for him. He'll get a kick out of it too, his old man on a camel. It's pretty similar to riding a horse. Are horses and camels related? Or is that more of a question for Hodgins?_

_Well, I got all the cool stuff out of the way. The past few days have been really tough. We've been focusing on stealth movements and sighting through telescopic lenses, and one kids even got his first hit. I'm not really supposed to be talking about this, but we're partners, and I tell you everything. I feel guilty all the time… but I felt the worst today. The poor kid, after he did it, he just cried. It was the first time he killed anyone. I remember the feeling. Your superiors are all telling you that you've done a great thing for your country, but the only thing you can think about is the person whose life you just took away. How will your actions for your country affect this person's family? We don't get to know a lot about the terrorists we are sent after, but in the end it doesn't really matter. That person was someone's child, or spouse or relative. The kid asked me if it ever got easier, and I had to lie to him. I know you are all about the truth, Bones, but you didn't see the look in his eyes. If I told him it never got easier, that you feel every shot and that you die a little with every bullet, I would be putting him in even more danger._

_I try and make it to chapel everyday now. It's the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit better. I also go to weekly confession, I know you don't think it's rational, but telling someone about it, getting the weight off my chest, it helps; and praying, asking God for forgiveness, telling him how truly sorry I am for this, it makes me really feel like in the end it will all be worth it. I'm helping to make the world safer for Parker, and Michelle, and every other future child. I pray for you too, Bones. I pray that you're safe and happy, and that when we see each other again in 353 days you'll have figured out your purpose and you'll be you again._

_Can you believe it, we're almost 2 weeks into our year! It really is flying by… sort of. I've been dreaming about the coffee and the mall. The stuff we have here on base is crap. Aren't you near those Sumatra Islands or something? They have coffee there… maybe you can bring some back to D.C._

_I miss you, Bones… a lot. But I've got to go. The shower is calling my name; it helps almost as much as confession some days._

_353 day,_

_Booth._

He finished the letter, folded it into an envelope and placed it with his other letter. He's sort of figured out why he's hesitant to send them. He doesn't want her to worry because he knows she will… and he's afraid. She went off because of him… because of them. She needed time and space, and him writing, keeping her up to date on everything going on with him… telling her that he misses her… it's not what she needs right now. He's afraid if he pushes, she won't come back. So again, he waits. Patience is a virtue that he's mastered.


	5. Day 21

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

Day 21

Three weeks. That's all it's been. It seems longer; maybe she just wishes it has been longer. The end of another relatively productive but very long day, and she finds herself too full of thoughts again. She tells herself what Angela told her, the writing is therapeutic. It's helping her work through her fears and doubts and helping her gain perspective. She tells herself that as she sits down at her desk once again.

_Dear Booth,_

_It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote anything. We've been really busy both at the lab in Tual and at the dig site. We're continuing to find remains of what look to be a completely new sub-species. It looks like an early Homo floresiensis mated with another, as yet unnamed species and created this. It's possible that the other species could be from the tribe of Hominini. That would prove an even more direct evolutionary link between humans and chimpanzees! I know you probably wouldn't understand, but I thought you'd be interested because of the monkey angle. I'll be flying back to Jakarta later this month to do some work at the National Research Centre of Archaeology. They have more tools available to us there that we can't bring to the jungle. I'm really excited to get to spend time back in civilization for a while._

_Booth, I've been here 3 weeks, and I'm discovering amazing, possibly career-changing things; but I still can't seem to find myself. I'm surrounded by some of the most intelligent people in the world. I'm surrounded by dozens of people, and yet I've never felt more alone. Everyone seems to get along well, and they are all very nice, but I haven't been able to click – as you would say- with them. We all went to Tual the other night and had dinner and drinks, but it wasn't like when we go out after a case with everyone. They were still all talking about the remains and what we had to do the next day. It was like they couldn't just take one night off to relax and think about something else. I guess something else I've discovered in my short time here is that nothing in life is all consuming. I left the dinner early. I know you probably would have been disappointed, but I needed time alone to think about something other than the remains and the equipment and assignments._

_Daisy seems to be fitting in well here. She's much more focused and not as… boisterous. As much as it pains me to admit it, she reminds me of myself on my first dig. She works very hard and diligently. She's one of the first to get to the dig site in the morning and one of the last to leave. I think this time away for her will do wonders for her career, and personal life. I think she misses Sweets, but she's coping well. I look at Daisy sometimes and wonder if I had what she had when I was her age, would I be the way I am today? Would I be the person I am today? Would I have become the world famous anthropologist and bestselling author? Would I have given up someone I love for my career? Would I have allowed myself to fall in love with someone when I was that young? I know these are all unanswerable questions, but seeing her and knowing what she gave up to come here, it makes me wonder. Did she choose the right thing? I know what sort of man Sweets is, so should I respect Daisy for choosing her career or be disappointed in her because what if she can never find someone like Sweets again?_

_I find I am getting overly emotional about all of this. I suppose I am just tired and lonely. I still can't believe we've only been apart for 3 weeks. I miss everyone more and more. I'm going to call Angela when I'm in Jakarta. I get irrationally excited just thinking about it._

_Well, Booth, I'm going to finish up now. I've got to work on some assignments for the remainder of the week, and pack up a bag for my time in Jakarta. I miss you._

_344 days (that's the days until we're back in the states.)_

_Bones._

She folded this letter into an envelope, the same as she had done with the previous two. She put this letter in the drawer with the others and hesitantly shut it. She still hadn't gotten in contact with Cam to try and get his address, but decided when she went to Jakarta she would. She never felt the need to stay in contact with everyone on her other trips, but this one was a little different. Yes, she decided, when she got to Jakarta later that month she would talk with Angela and Cam, and she would get his address.


	6. Day 34

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: First off, thank you so much everyone who's reviewed this story and is staying with it. I had the idea for the letters since the night of the finale. It just took disciplining myself enough to do some research and finally sit down and write some stuff out. Most of the letters are totally organic. I think of one key phrase that ends up somewhere in one of the paragraphs, but other than that I've just been sitting down and typing without thinking too much. That idea applies to all but this chapter. Last night hubby & I watch **_**"Marley & Me" **_**and I actually got rather depressed. Then I started thinking about Letters and had this little epiphany of sorts. Many of you are asking that the letters finally be sent, but I didn't want it to just be, they finally get the courage up. I don't think that's true to B&B character. Whenever something big happens, there's a catalyst. Well, for this story, **_**"Marley & Me" **_**was the catalyst. There is some bad language in this chapter, just to warn you. Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Please continue! Reviews are my crack. **

Day 34

He was angry, hurt, frustrated, and lonely. It was the end of a week and a half long mission and it ended badly. He really thought he was prepared for anything, he was an Army Ranger for Christ sake, but he was wrong. He shut down his email, turned off the computer, sat down at his desk and wrote.

_Bones,_

_I don't even know where to begin. I really never thought I'd be at a loss for words… and yet here I am._

_I had a shitty week. Actually, it was longer than a week... a shitty past 12 days. We had a mission, a bad one. My kids took out 14 men in 12 days. For most it was their first time. It was horrible. Then, after the end of this long, horrible mission, I get back and check my email. At first, I'm ecstatic. I have mail from Cam, Parker, and even Sweets. I read Parker's first, naturally. He's such an amazing kid, so resilient; I really can't believe he's mine. But you don't get to know what's going on with him – you don't deserve that right now. Hell, maybe you already know what's happening in his life. Maybe you guys are pen pals – since you seem to be keeping in contact with everyone who isn't named Seeley Booth._

_Cam tells me you're discovering some new theory of evolution or something. Well, bully for you I still believe in the Big Bang Theory. She also tells me that Angela and Hodgins are going to fly to Jakarta that next time you get to go use the archaeology museum there. Oh, and Sweets says it's super awesome how you're taking care of Daisy, and that he's glad she's holding up well. He's doing well himself, even had a date with a nice podiatrist._

_Dammit, Bones. I can understand talking with Angela – and Hodgins by extension. I mean, you talk to Angela about everything. I even get Cam; you two are actually really great friends now – who would have thought? But Sweets? Even Sweets gets an email? I just don't understand. I don't know what I did to deserve this. You told me you were going away to try and gain a new perspective, and to take a step back from the murders and the way they made you feel. But I get this news, that you're communicating with everyone but me, your partner, and it feels like you needed a break from me, from us. I know I scared you that night, and I probably scared you even more showing up at your place the night before I left for Ft. Meade… but Bones, fear is an emotion. You can't just shut those out. You need to feel that sometimes. Especially that kind of fear! That's the good kind. It's not the kind you get when you're trapped underground in a car and don't know whether you're going to live or die, it's the kind you get when something new happens in your life and you're not sure what's going to happen next._

_You know Bones, I'm really glad I wrote this out. I guess I'm not angry, just disappointed. I had one of the worst weeks of my life. I had to watch these kids that I trained take a human life… 14 times. I had to tell them they are great and it was a good thing that they did. I had to calm their fears and pat their backs when the anxiety got so bad that they got sick afterward. I had to lie to them, the same way I was lied to, and tell them it gets easier. It doesn't get easier Bones, it gets harder. I really thought coming back here would be OK. I thought I'd be fine, but I'm not. I'm a mess here, I miss my real kid, I miss my job, and most of all I miss my partner, my best friend. I think all the time that I wish I could just talk to you, really tell you what's been going on in my head because as much as you hate psychology, you give amazing advice on how to deal. I don't call or write because I think you need your space… then I find out you don't need space from everyone, just me. It hurts Bones, and it's disappointing. I'm sorry I scared you and made you feel too much, but Bones I think it's time that you grew up._

_Booth._

He folded the letter, placed it in an envelope and addressed it to the National Research Centre of Archaeology in Jakarta. He figured she would eventually get it there. Then he quickly ran to the post office on base before he could change his mind about mailing it. As he walked slowly back to his living quarters he thought about what he just did, and hoped he wouldn't have one more regret when he finally got word back from her… if he ever got word back.


	7. Day 56

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: OK, so it's taken me a little bit longer than usual to get this update written and posted. Where I took the story in the last chapter surprised me, and it took me a little longer to get my feet back underneath me. I usually finish one letter and have an idea of what will be said in the next, but this time I was lost. It was really frustrating… and it makes me wonder if it's what Brennan would feel after getting a letter like that. I'm a little worried that this letter is not as much in character as the others, so please let me know what you think. Thank you all for the wonderful comments and reviews. Thank you for supporting this story and sticking with it! It means so much to me. I hope that you enjoy this chapter as much as the previous ones!**

Day 56

She spent the past 2 weeks in Jakarta at the archaeology centre, with Angela and Hodgins, and his letter. Dr. and Mrs. Hodgins kept her busy, took her around the city, and helped her with reconstruction and dating of some of the remains and artifacts. It was almost like being back at the Jeffersonian. It kept her mind off of the letter. But then the Hodgins' went back to Paris, and she went back to Tual.

In the 2 weeks she was in Jakarta, she only had the chance to read the letter twice. But the trip back to the island was long, and she didn't have as much reading material as she thought. When she got back to her villa, she unpacked slowly… trying to delay the inevitable… trying to collect her thoughts, but eventually she sat down at the desk and started writing.

_Dear Booth,_

_I just got back from Jakarta again. I saw Angela and Hodgins, but I guess you knew I was going to. I got your letter too. It's been 2 weeks since I first read it and I've been ruminating on it ever since. I still don't know if I have adequate words for an explanation._

_I'm sorry, Booth. I'm sorry._

_People as an anthropological specimen are selfish by nature, and I am not an exception. When I took this assignment, I stepped away from everything I built for myself and others in Washington, without a thought for how my actions would affect everyone in my life._

_I feel like I should preface my explanation for my actions with this: When I got to Maluku I was cautious and guarded. You know I don't put much stock in psychology, but I feel like I reverted back to the person I was before I met you. I put metaphorical walls up because I don't want to get attached to anyone here the way I am now attached, emotionally not physically of course, to you and Angela, and Hodgins, and Cam, and even Sweets. Sometimes it's too hard to feel all those emotions._

_There was no reason for my lack of contact except for fear and confusion. I first want to let you know that my email to Sweets was sort of an accident. Daisy talked to him, and Sweets emailed me asking about Daisy's mental wellbeing. I responded as a colleague, and scientist._

_As for contact with Angela, you should know that was inevitable. She's very persistent, and likes to know every little detail of everything. I'm sure you've figured that out, she says she's written you letters and sent you sketches from Paris. Angela and I are never really out of touch, though. Whenever I go on trips, she is my contact person. She has been for the past 6 years. She's the only person besides you whom I trust completely, but my relationship with Angela is far less complicated than ours._

_And of course, emails and calls to Cam. You should know most of our communication has been professional. I've had to inquire about borrowing some equipment from the Jeffersonian, and she's been having a bit of trouble with my replacement. The last time I talked with Cam, though was to get your contact information._

_I've thought about you everyday here. I always see something that reminds me of you, or a past case, or something that I think you'd like. I jot things down, write you letters, and take pictures to send to you… but I never send them. I'm scared, Booth. It's an irrational fear, though. I'm scared that I don't know how to be myself anymore. I'm scared that I will see your handwriting, or hear your voice and I won't be able to stay here. I won't be able to finish this. I'm scared of what I'm feeling. I'm scared that one day the letters will stop because something happened, and I'm scared that if that happens I won't know how to handle that._

_I've written you a few other letters, I don't know if I'll mail them or not. Do you want me to? I just want to let you know, none of this is your fault. This is all on me. Angela says that I'm learning how to deal. I'm also trying to figure out what I want out of life. I'm trying to discern my purpose. It's only been 56 days, but I think part of my purpose is to be your partner._

_Booth, I don't think I will ever be able to apologize enough, but I'll say it again: I am so sorry. I really do hope that you will continue to write to me, I promise to respond. I miss you._

_309 days (that's the days until we agreed to meet at the coffee cart; I hope you still want to meet me there)._

_I'm sorry,_

_Bones._

When she finished the letter, her hands trembled slightly as she folded it and a second piece of paper with a more direct address and a phone number into the envelope and addressed it. It was too late in the evening for her to go back into Tual and try to express mail it to Jakarta and then to Kabul. So, she emailed her second in charge and said she'd be late to the dig site because she had personal business to attend to in the province. There was no getting out of it now. She was mailing the letter in the morning, and for the first time since she got to Indonesia she didn't feel quite as alone.


	8. Day 70

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: OK, so another break in between chapters. I sort of feel like now that they are writing and sending letters, I don't know what they'd say. It's so much easier to think things, but not say them out loud. I've also been reading all your amazing comments and reviews. I want to take them into consideration when writing, but at the same time, I sort of have a feel for where this story will end up, and how it will conclude… so I'm hesitant to do anything to veer from my intended course of action. I wrote the intro to the letter, but will write the letter itself as it comes to me. I have an idea of what Booth will say, but sometimes my brain gets carried away and before I know it my fingers have typed something I didn't expect. Lol.**

**The main reason for the break in chapters is real life. I had a super busy weekend, mother-in-law came in Thursday, we spent all day Friday searching for shoes, a lawnmower, and a wedding gift, then I had work and a wedding Saturday. Today (Sunday) is my day to veg out and try to please you all. ****Also, this coming week may be crazy with updates, or the lack thereof. We are supposed to be closing on our first house Tuesday (pray that it happens. I hate paperwork.) And then we have some work to do there before moving in. Ugh. Anyway, without further adieu, I give you Booth's response.**

Day 70

It's been 4 days since he got her letter. He's read it a lot, the paper is already wearing. A month ago he sent her his letter. He regretted it for about a week the decided, just like that night, it needed to be said. He couldn't have it eating away at him, especially now. He was barely holding it together and it had only been 2 months. So, he felt good about sending it, good about life in general. His demeanor was noticed by everyone around him too. Then he got her response. He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't that. He didn't expect a contrite and open and honest Bones, but that's what he got, well as open and honest as Bones could be. She talked about her feelings and psychology and their relationship. It threw him. That's why it took him 4 days to respond. He needed to process. Now he's ready. Now he thinks he knows what to say. Now he sits at his desk and writes.

_Hey Bones,_

_… Wow. I've been sitting here with my pen hovering over the paper now for about 3 minutes. I thought I knew what I was going to write, but I guess I don't. You know, in all the time we've known each other, communicating has never been that difficult for us. I wonder why it is now. I guess I know why. We said it before, Bones. Everything changes. I guess we changed. Sometimes I wish we could go back to before that night, before Sweets book, and make sure this never happened, but I think it was inevitable._

_I guess I'm at the crux of this letter… maybe… did I even use that word correctly? Bones, I never thought this would be so hard. I guess I never really thought that I would be a part of your life, but not in your life. I guess I've finally realized why we never stayed in touch on any of your other trips. I want to know what you're doing and what you're discovering, but I want to be there with you too. Even if it's just as a friend and partner, that's better than nothing. I miss seeing you every day. I miss going to the Jeffersonian with a new case. I miss the cases! I miss Angela and Cam… even Hodgins. I can't miss Sweets because he constantly emails me and makes sure I'm in the right mindset or whatever for my current job. I leave the F.B.I., hell the country, for a year, and still the kid follows me. I guess that's what made not hearing from you so hard. To know that I've been in contact with everyone the past couple months, and so have you… but we haven't been in contact with each other._

_I forgive you, Bones, for the whole not writing or emailing thing. I mean, it still hurts that you talked to Sweets before you wrote to me, but I guess I get it. Like you said, we are complicated. I would like to read the letters you've written, but not sent. You don't have to rush or anything, I just want to know what you've thought about these past 2 months. I guess I should let you know that I wrote you letters too. Not just that last one, but others. I guess you're the voice in my head at the end of the day. You're the person that I want to tell everything to, besides Parker of course, but you seem to have more of a perspective on life than a 10-year-old . With Parker it's more like, "Did you shoot anyone today? How many camels did you see? You'll never guess what I did today!"_

_Anyway, Bones. I know this was short, but I'm still not sure what I should say. In my unsent letters, I've written about bad days, or long flights… but these past few weeks haven't been bad. It's really just been training and target practice. I even got to dress in civvies and putter around Kabul on an off day. I got some awesome presents for Parker. I never thought that my life here would be good… or nice, but it has been lately. It almost makes me wonder if something bad is going to happen. I hope I didn't just jinx myself._

_I miss you, Bones. I hope you write back._

_295 days (I'm counting too)_

_Booth_

After re-reading the letter, he folded it into an envelope and addressed it. He thought he would still have some lingering anger at Bones, but once he started writing, it just melted away. It's only the second letter he's written to send, but he feels hopeful that they won't lose their connection… and that when they meet at the coffee cart in 295 days things will be the same. He got up and hurried to the base post office to get the letter in the mail before they closed up. Yes, this had been an excellent week for Seeley Booth.


	9. Day 84

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Hey all. Sorry it's been so long since my last update. Last week was incredibly busy, but the good news is my husband and I are officially homeowners! We closed on our house Wednesday and have been doing stuff in it ever since. Then, I had to go to a goodbye party for my sister and her husband. They're moving to Dallas. I think it may have inspired me for future chapters. **

**Anywho, a quick note about this letter, it's a bit different from the last ones. I had a small injury last Sunday and it's still bothering me, then I was watching some past episodes and noticed Bones gets hurt a lot. So, I kept that in mind as I wrote this letter.**

Day 84

She's tired, achy, sore, and a little nervous. It's been more than a week since she received his letter, but she hasn't had time to respond until now. It's a good reason, her tardiness, but he won't be happy at all. That's where the nerves come from. When something happens to her, he comes to the rescue. She knows he's bound by the army now, but she still can't help thinking he'd find a way to get to her. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want to make his life more complicated than she already has, and she's not quite ready to see him yet. But she also misses him and wants him to hear what happened from her, and not a 3rd party, so she grabs her pen and paper and starts writing.

_Dear Booth,_

_I apologize for my tardy response. Things at the dig site got very intense and we had a bit of an emergency. Well, I had a bit of an emergency._

_There's no real cause for alarm, but I've been at the hospital in Jakarta for a week, actually since the day I received your letter. I've been resting and healing, but I'm fine. Angela and Hodgins flew back over to visit and make sure I was fine. I put Ange as my emergency contact but they really needn't have come it was just a minor injury; although, seeing them again was very nice._

_I suppose you want to know what happened. You're probably standing there with this letter, all blustery. I can see your face in my mind, you're making that one that you always make… you know clenching your jaw, and furrowing your brow, your lips pressed together in a tight line, or your mouth may be opening and shutting repeatedly. You always do that when I've irritated you, or when I say something you don't want to hear, or when I follow you or lead the way in pursuit of a suspect you didn't want me to go on, or even if I just take too long getting to the point of things but you don't really want to interrupt me... you know that face, I bet you're making it now._

_Anyway, the point of this letter, I received a minor injury while working in one of the deeper tunnels. Kurt, one of the residents working for me found some more remains buried deeper in our tunnel, so we needed our portable imaging device to make sure we didn't disturb the integrity of the tunnel, or damage any other remains that might be there. I was very far down in the shaft and they had to harness the equipment in this modified pulley to get it down to me. The pulley broke and the imaging device fell on me. I received a moderate laceration on my scalp, near the parietal bone. It only took 8 stitches. I also ended up fracturing the right zygomaticofacial formen… you would call it the cheekbone. It's really not that bad. But, since I was mildly concussed they kept me in hospital for observation, then they wanted to make sure the fracture was stable and that I wouldn't need facial surgery to pin it. I told the doctors who I was and after looking at my x-rays I assured them that I would be fine, that I needed to get back to the dig site, but they wouldn't discharge me for at least 2 days because I lost consciousness. Then Hodgins and Angela showed up (apparently Hodgins has a jet at his disposal). Ange says because of the shape and height of my cheekbones I'm more susceptible to fracture destabilization (which I know, Angela seems to have forgotten that bones are my thing, but I looked at my films and they looked normal except for the fracture!) Well, Ange wanted me to stay an extra day, just to make sure, I did it to mollify her. Then I ended up having some vertigo, so the doctors made me stay yet another day. It was all very unnecessary and it set me back immensely at the dig site._

_So, that's it Booth. I just wanted to let you know that, in layman's terms, I fractured my face and got a mild concussion, but I'm fine. There is no reason for you to go AWOL or anything. And Hodgins wants you to know he got a picture of my face complete with a huge Shriner, I think he called it. What an odd name for a bruise around my orbital cavity. The last few weeks have been an adventure for me, too bad it wasn't a jungle adventure._

_Please don't worry about me Booth, I promise I'm fine. Angela sends her love, and Hodgins says he's sending you that picture._

_I hope you're doing well and staying safe._

_281 day,_

_Bones._

_P.S. This hospital doesn't serve pudding, so it wouldn't be worth coming to me rescue even if I needed it, which I don't. Please don't do anything rash._

She folded the letter and slipped it in the envelope, and put it in the outgoing mail box. She was still in Jakarta, working at the archaeology centre until the doctors gave her the OK to go back to the islands. She realized it would be relatively easy for him to find her there. As much as she wasn't ready to see him yet, and didn't want him to get in trouble a part of her hoped that he would find a way to get there.


	10. Day 92

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Thank you everyone who's commented about the new house. We are really excited and are working hard at getting it ready to move in to! It's a very exciting time! My back is feeling better, but I'm pretty sure there's a reason short people don't play volleyball. I did, however break my toe the other night. I'm a mess. Lol.**

**Also, thank you everyone who's reviewing. Reviews are the best way for me to get feedback and know if I'm doing the right things with the characters. Please, be honest and let me know if you think I'm OOC or anything. I have tough skin, I can take it. Constructive criticism is always welcome. I have noticed a few typos after posting, and I'm just too lazy to go and fix them. Maybe I will when I'm finished with the entire story. Lol. Thanks again, and please review!**

**In this chapter I took some liberties, as many authors do. I think that Booth and Brennan had to have said goodbye before the airport scene in the finale. I wrote a little bit about that in this chapter. I also think Booth is a bit of a drama queen, I think that came out in this chapter. I really hope you like it.**

Day 92

He's pacing his barracks like a caged lion. He's angry, at her, at the government, at Hodgins and Angela, at the stupid Maluku Islands, and those stupid prehistoric people that she went gallivanting after. If they hadn't been found none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be stuck in the god-forsaken desert and she wouldn't be under the supervision of neurologists and a certain entomologist/botanist/geologist and his artsy-fartsy wife. He knows it's unfair to be mad at all of them, he should really only be mad at the government for not letting him take leave, but he's mad at the world. He decides the only way to blow off some steam is to sit down and write.

_Bones,_

_The only reason that you're getting a letter right now, and not me in your hospital room (or office, or wherever you are) is because that goddamn government of ours sucks balls. They wouldn't give me any leave because you're not directly related to me, or my spouse, or next of kin, or anything… and because you put Angela as your emergency contact instead of me. I'm so pissed at them right now. Don't they know we're partners for the U.S. government? Don't they know who we are? Dammit, it makes me mad just thinking about it._

_And it makes me mad that you got hurt. You gotta be more careful, Bones. The doctors and hospitals in Indonesia aren't as good as they are in the states. I'm glad that everyone took more precaution than you wanted and made you stay put. Having heavy duty imaging devices fall on your head and knock you unconscious is a big deal, contrary to what a certain genius forensic anthropologist thinks._

_You probably know that Hodgins and Angela have been in contact with me. So has Sweets, who found out from Daisy. Maybe those crazy kids will be able to make it work when she comes back. Sweets also said he went on 3 dates with that podiatrist, but didn't really feel anything, so they won't be going out again. Cam tried to convince him to do online dating, so far she hasn't had any luck, but I'll bet she wears him down. That'll be a hoot. Too bad we're not there to rib him about it._

_Jeez, Bones. I've been talking with everyone about your status and trying to get to you. I even tried to get Hodgins to bribe the army to let me have some leave. I forgot what tough bastards those high ranking generals are. Hell, Hodgins may have even talked to McChrystal or Obama or whoever is in charge now. That guy has some impressive connections for a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but nothing was enough. I miss everyone a lot. Talking with them so much lately, it's been hard to get back to what I'm supposed to be doing here._

_When I'm with the boys and we're going through drills, it's almost like out life in D.C. was a dream. I remember all the best parts, but I wake up and I'm still here in the desert. Like in all the good dreams when you wake up at the best part, then you try and go back to sleep and pick up where the dream left off… but it never happens. I wonder if we're going to be like that, Bones. I'm scared sometimes to think about what it'll be like at the coffee cart. I'm scared sometimes to come home and realize we can't just pick up where we left off that night._

_The night we said goodbye, when you helped me pack up my stuff, and we ate dinner together, and then sat on the couch and were just together… talking about everything; it really was like the best dream. We were together, and not at F.B.I. Agent and forensic anthropologist, but as real life partners. Then that kiss goodbye, Bones that was it. That was the moment, the dream moment. When the door shut and you left it was like I was waking up from the best dream ever and I couldn't get back to sleep to finish it._

_It's the thought of that moment that both keeps me going and scares me into staying._

_Then something like this happens, where you go and land yourself in the hospital ten thousand miles away from civilization. Bones, you really do have to be more careful. You have to make it back to that coffee cart because we have to see if we can get the dream back._

_I know you probably don't want to discuss it, but I thought it'd be easier for you putting it down on paper, rather than waiting an entire year and talking about it face to face. So, I'm going to leave it at that. It's all I'm going to say on the matter unless you choose to respond to it._

_I'm going to leave you with this, Bones – be careful. You told me not to be a hero, not to be me. I'm asking you to do the same thing. Let someone else do the digging, let someone else do the excavating, let someone else have equipment fall on their head and knock them unconscious. Just please don't be you for the next 273 days, OK?_

_Dreaming of coffee carts,_

_Booth_

_P.S. If something else does happen to you, you can bet all the money in your off-shore account that I will leave the base so quickly (with or without permission) the army wouldn't know what hit them. You wouldn't want that, now would you? Be careful, I'm serious._

He folded the letter and addressed it. Needing to get out of the barracks he decided to see if the post office was still open. On the way there he ran through what he had confessed in the letter. It was all stuff he supposed she already knew, but Bones was always a little slow on the uptake when it came to emotional matters and metaphors. He just hoped this time that prodigious brain of hers worked to his advantage. He decided to overnight the letter to Jakarta. He wanted her getting it as soon as possible; he wanted her response as soon as possible. It wasn't his country, or his platoon, or even his kid he was living for anymore, it was these letters and his connection to her.


	11. Day 101

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Alright folks, here is your much anticipated Brennan response. The thing is, whenever I write Brennan I get confused. Lol. I'm going to warn you, I really think this is a bit OOC for her. I tried to get in her head a little and re-watched several emotional episodes for her, and this is what came of it. The introduction is much longer than usual it gives a brief description of what I think happened that night before he left, and our favorite not-so-starving artist makes a cameo! Now, without anymore notes or excuses I give you Day 101.**

**P.S. comments are love!**

**P.P.S. I meant to tell you guys, our new house is off of Booth Rd. I swear it's just a coincidence.**

Day 101

She had gotten his letter just 2 days after he mailed it. She was still in Jakarta under the observation of both doctors and the Hodgins when it arrived. After she read it, Angela found it. The artist finagled her way into reading the letter and then had to know what happened that night, when they said goodbye, when they kissed. Brennan pretended to be irritated, but really she was glad to have someone to talk to about it who wasn't Booth.

She told her best friend exactly what happened. They packed his stuff together and put it in storage, then they ordered Thai and picked up some pie from The Diner and ate dinner together. They still weren't ready to part after dinner so they sat together in his empty living room and talked. They talked about the past, their favorite cases, the worst cases, and what they'd miss the most in their year apart. Their answers were the same. They would miss each other most. That's when they decided to meet at the coffee cart, to regain a sense of normalcy. She finally decided it was time to go home and say goodbye. He walked her to the door, like always, then she turned to say goodbye and he was holding her. It wasn't like any of the other times they had hugged. Brennan told Ange it was almost like it was him trying to hold on to the past and let go at the same time, so she did what Booth had been trying to get her to do for 6 years. She followed her heart. She leaned up and kissed him. As Ange squealed in excitement, Brennan told her the details. It wasn't long or passionate, there was no tongue contact, but there was hope, there was promise. Brennan was never one to use those types of adjectives to describe a kiss, she assured the artist, but they seemed like the most appropriate words because that's what it felt like.

Angela told her she had to respond, and not to hold back. Tell Booth what she was feeling. But now it's been a week and she still hasn't figured out what to write. His letter is in her bag, her best friend is back in Paris, and she is alone in her villa again. After talking with Angela, she thought she was really on the right track to finally discerning what she wanted in her life; but now alone again, she starts to doubt herself… to freak out as Angela would say.

She knows the only way to sort through this is to write, but she doesn't know where to begin.

_Dear Booth,_

_I'm back at my villa in Tual. I was in Jakarta for more than 2 weeks. Though I was unhappy to be under the supervision of so many medical doctors, it was nice to be in a metropolitan area and to see Angela and Hodgins. Being back in the jungle, though I had forgotten how isolating it is. My villa seems both too big and too small, it's quite the paradox and I don't like it._

_You'll be glad to know I'm healing very nicely. The stitches in my head dissolved about a week ago and the bruise around my orbital cavity is nearly gone. The right side of my face is still very tender, and tinged a bit yellow. It sort of looks like I'm jaundiced, but I'd rather look jaundiced than purple and disgusting._

_I go back to the dig site tomorrow. Don't worry, I'm not allowed in any of the tunnels or excavation areas. I'm going to be there strictly in a supervisory capacity. Daisy has already come by and offered to take my place in the tunnels. She says she also gave Kurt a stern talking to about pulley and equipment safety. I tried to explain to her that my accident was the result of mechanical error, not user error, but she was already off on a different subject. You might be able to tell from this letter, Daisy seems to be getting some of her vigor back. I'm not sure if it's because she is back in contact with Sweets or something else, but Dr. Edelstein another supervisor says I should be petitioning for sainthood for having to deal with Daisy as an intern and here on the Maluku dig. I tried to explain to Dr. Edelstein that I don't think I can petition myself for sainthood. Having to deal with boisterous interns does not logically qualify one for sainthood and since I don't believe in organized religion I probably wouldn't be a good candidate anyway; but she just looked at me oddly and walked away. I'm not making many friends here. It's lonely._

_Booth, I read your letter so many times. Angela read it too (sorry, but you know she has a way with those things). I want to be able to respond to it, but I don't know how. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling or what I want. It's confusing and I don't like it. I don't like not knowing things. I know what happened that night was because of me, and I understood your letter. I appreciate your metaphor, and I wish that I could help you get your dream back but I don't know how. Sometimes I'm not even sure how to be me anymore. I am discerning my future, and trying to gain perspective on my life so that I can be a better person to those around me._

_I am enclosing the letters that I wrote before but didn't send to you. I hope they show you where my mind is, metaphorically speaking. I want you to know that nothing you've done has led me here. I need to discover who I am independently so that I can be more successful in other relationships, be they professional or personal._

_I do think about that night, Booth. I also think about how you once told me I've got to park my brain in neutral and put my heart in to overdrive, or something like that. You know that I've done that before, and I did it again that night. The funny thing was, it felt like I had a whole lot more to lose and it scared me. It made me realize I'm not ready yet, Booth. I'm sorry. I know it's selfish because you've been waiting for so long, but please be patient. A wise man once told me everything happens eventually._

_264 Days,_

_Bones._

She slipped the letter into and envelope along with the previous letters and a set of pictures of her injuries, arranged chronologically from the day of the accident until the day Angela and Hodgins left for Paris.

She walked into the town to mail the small package. As she walked, she thought about what she just wrote. She wondered if she was open enough, Angela had told her not to hold back so she tried. In his letter Booth had said he thought writing would be easier for her. In a way he was correct; writing was a nice outlet, but it was also frustrating. She didn't know how exactly to put into words what she was feeling and thinking. All she knew when she wrote was she hoped she wasn't pushing him away. Discovering new evolutionary patterns and changing history was never what her trip was about, it was about discovering herself and making up her mind. But now, she just wanted to make sure he wasn't changing his mind.


	12. Day 111

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Ugh. I meant to start this a while ago, but this whole moving and packing business is driving me crazy. Our house still has no AC, it's been in our name for 2 weeks now, and finally the home warranty has gone through. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally do stuff again without worrying. I still really apologize for taking so long. I actually started this chapter last week, but I just couldn't get into it. I re-read all of Bones' previous letters and finally figured out where I want to go with it. I'm really excited about this one, and hope you like it. A lot of it came to me while I was lying in bed with the hubby. **

Day 111

He's anxious, nervous, confused, tired, frustrated, and hurt; but also exhilarated and excited. He wants her to be where he is mentally, but knows that it's impossible right now. He read her letters, all of them, over and over again. At first it made him angry, that she would write those letters, say those things, but she didn't want to send them to him. But the more he read the letters, the more he got it. She's beyond scared; she's never felt this way before. Well, she has but her parents and her brother left her. She put up those nearly impenetrable walls almost 20 years ago and decided to only count on herself. The fact that she realized she was becoming more and more dependent on him and their partnership excited him beyond belief, but the fact that she needed to be away from him to find herself again saddened him. He reads the letters again, and is amazed once more. This time what amazes him is how much clarity she seems to write with without even knowing it. The way she knows she needs to figure out who she is again before giving herself to someone. It's like she's becoming a new Bones… or maybe an improved Bones. One who knows how to think with her heart and her head. One who puts a little more stock in psychology. It makes him hopeful and he knows that with these letters to hold on to, her words written down, he can wait as long as she needs.

He sits down at his desk and writes what she needs to read.

_Dear Bones,_

_I may have to write this in installments, and it may take a while for me to respond too. We're getting ready to go out on a three week mission. You know, when I accepted this position, I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd be on base teaching the kids how to shoot, how to sight, how to be stealthy. I never thought I'd have to go out with them on all the missions. I never thought I'd have to watch them as they silently kill people. I know you'd probably say, these are things I should have discussed before accepting, but Bones, I was too scared. I needed to do this, and if I knew for certain that I'd have to relive everything I wouldn't have gone._

_I hope you know that getting your letters, having a connection to you, it helps me cope with everything. Getting your letters, Bones, it reminds me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, something for me to look forward to._

_Bones, before your letters I knew a lot about you, probably more than you thought I did. I know your favorite flowers… daffodils and daisies. You like them because they're pretty and bright and a little unusual._

_Your favorite planet is Jupiter, you like it for the same reason, it's pretty and bright (just Mars & Venus are brighter) and it's a little different. Plus, the history behind its discovery and naming and everything interests you the most._

_Your favorite color is purple. At first I thought it would be yellow because of the flowers, but it's purple. You're not an incredibly vain person, but you like purple because of the way it makes your eyes look. (It's the same reason I like purple… but I like blue better because it reminds me of your eyes)._

_I know how you take your coffee… 2 raw sugars when we get it while we're out. If we drink it at your place (or mine now too) you do 1 raw sugar and some soy creamer. You prefer your coffee with the bit of creamer, but you don't complain when we're out. The diner doesn't have anything other than half and half, and the coffee cart has soy milk, but it's not creamy enough… and a soy latte is too creamy and not coffee-y enough for you._

_Your favorite cereal is cocoa puffs, but you eat multigrain cheerios more often. You save the cocoa puffs for when you're hung-over, or for after a really bad case, or for after you've spent a lot of time with your father and brother._

_When we go out for drinks after cases, the weather usually dictates what drink you get. In the winter and fall, you usually stick to red wine. In the spring and summer you switch to white, or occasionally rum or vodka tonic with a twist. You drink the harder stuff after tough cases too._

_You like to indulge in really nice sheets and other bed linens, and you use more pillows when you sleep than anyone I've ever met. When we go undercover, you bring your own pillows, and the few times that we've shared a bed you've stolen at least one of my pillows too._

_Ever since Cam started working at the Jeffersonian, your fashion sense has gotten… well… sexier. I don't know if it's a conscious thing. I don't think it is. The thing I've noticed the most is your shoes. You wear heels now… but you keep a pair of crocs under your desk for afterhours. That's why I got you that foot spa last year for your birthday._

_You don't read a lot of fiction, but your favorite book is "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley. It's the most worn on your bookcase at home… and you keep a copy in your office at the Jeffersonian._

_Your favorite bones are the metacarpals. You always notice people's hands first. You like firm handshakes. You watch people when they talk with their hands and gesture. I can tell you're thinking about all the bones and muscles they are using. You look at victims hands a lot when you're studying them. You just like hands._

_You don't like giving expert testimony. You don't like being up in front of all those people being questioned or sort of exposed. You do it because it's your job and you know that you're right, but you don't like it._

_Coincidentally, you love being on stage, lecturing for students and colleagues, singing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" or "Hotblooded." You love that rush, the attention, the entertaining._

_I'm not telling you these things to freak you out or to make you think I'm investigating or stalking you or anything. I'm telling you this to let you know, that even if you feel lost, I know who you are._

_Reading all those letters, it made me realize that I'm the one being selfish. I know who you are; I should have known I couldn't push you. I know what I want, but I can't make you want it too._

_Bones, you're going to be over there for 8 more months while you're out there figuring things out, don't isolate yourself. Remembering the past, missing people (you know me, Angela, Cam… you dad & brother) it can help you on your journey. It can help you realize why what you were doing was worthwhile. It can help you realize that sometimes you do need other people to make you feel whole, even if that person isn't me. In Maluku, get involved; go out when your colleagues go out. Get to know them, make friends. Make the most of your trip. You're not just there to be a forensic anthropologist. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, make the most of it. You'll do a better job if you actually know and like (or dislike) the people you are working with. It may even help you figure out your life._

_Remember the past, Bones but don't live in it. Don't pine for the future, just look forward to it. Live in the present because it's all you've got. I know you Bones, I'll still know you when we are back together, and even if you still don't know who you are, I'll wait for you for as long as it takes._

_254 days,_

_Booth_

He folded up the letter and got ready to send it out. This time it was with a heavy heart, knowing that he wouldn't get another letter for at least 3 weeks. He loved the letters they wrote each other, but in some ways they made him miss her more. He knows this letter will affect her and he wishes he could be there to help her work through it. He wishes he could just keep sending letters to reassure her, but this stupid mission that he took seems to push him further and further away from her. He slipped the letter in the outgoing mailbox and walked back to his barracks to get ready for the worst 3 weeks of his life.


	13. Day 132

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: I know, it's been like forever and a day since I updated. Real life took hold big time, and didn't let up. We've moved into the house and have it mostly unpacked now, that's been the main hold up. Well, that and the fact that I thought I lost my writing notebook, and along with it my muse. Thankfully, both returned.**** I meant to post this earlier, but I got a migrane and have been sleeping for the better part of 2 days. I'm still headachey, but not nauseous or as sensitive to light. ANd sadly, there may be another gap in chapters, I'm leaving on vacation Sunday, and won't be back until next Sunday. I'll bring my notebook with me, though and try to have a couple chapters ready for you.**

**Also, I'm not really loving this chapter, it feels incomplete. I couldn't find a way to end it, so I'm a little frustrated by it. Comments, critiques, advice... all are very welcome. Thanks!**

Day 132

She waited. She got his letter and she waited, waited for word that he was safe and that he would get her response. After 3 weeks she got an email from Cam that Booth's unit returned to Kabul safely, and that Booth was with them.

She sat down and read his letter again, over and over, trying to formulate an appropriate response. She knew he saw her differently than others did. That was always clear. She just never knew how much attention he paid her. What he wrote was so personal and intimate. She thought she was waiting to respond to make sure that he was safe, but really she didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she knew him as well, as intimately as he seemed to know her. But she thought she owed it to him to try and respond, so she pulled out a pen and some paper and began to write.

_Dear Booth,_

_It's been quite some time since I wrote to you. Rationally, I would say it's because you were out on your mission for three weeks, so the letter would have sat unread until you returned, what good would that have done? But truthfully, I didn't know what to say. I'm still not completely sure, but I feel you deserve a response._

_It was a beautiful letter, Booth. I've always known that you watch me, and really observe what I do. It's a part of who you are, it's what makes you such an excellent agent, and I suppose an excellent soldier. I never knew how much of that visual knowledge you retained, though. I've been thinking about our time together, and can't remember ever volunteering any of the information you wrote of._

_After reading the letter, I almost think you know me better than I know myself in some ways, though I know that's not possible. You just have this way of drawing me out, and seeing things about me that others perhaps miss or don't understand. Sometimes you even help me understand things about myself._

_I took your advice; I went out with my colleagues. I got along well with most everyone. We went out for dinner and drinks, and then played some games at the beach. The downtime really did wonders for us. When we returned to the dig site, we were well rested and relaxed, but we also seemed to work better together. It was as if the simple act of spending time together socially acted as a cohesive bond. We worked as a team, just like in the games; we weren't individuals working toward a common goal. I also noticed something, something that you would have noticed too. I think Daisy may be seeing Kurt. We tend to discourage fraternization between workers, as it usually hinders the work environment, especially if the relationship doesn't work out, but Daisy and Kurt work quite well together. They seem to anticipate each other's needs and sometimes communicate without even speaking. It's very interesting to watch. I often find myself wondering if we worked like that. Sweets was always alluding to something of that nature. I wonder if we'll work that way when we get back._

_I wonder a lot about what we'll be like once this year is over. I believe these letters have helped preserve our partnership, and perhaps even strengthened it in some ways. But in others I just don't know. What really disturbed me about your last letter was how well you knew me, but how can you still know someone after a year apart?_

_Do you know I drink my coffee black now? They don't have soy creamer here, and I just got tired of the sugar. I wonder how you drink your coffee. Is it the same, 3 regular sugars and French vanilla creamer? Do they have that in Afghanistan?_

_Do you still eat oatmeal for breakfast on Mondays and Wednesdays, and cereal on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and pancakes or French toast as a weekend treat? Do you still have your own regimens for everything or are the Army's enough for you? When you come back, will you still wear your cocky belt buckle and garish ties? I don't know if I'll wear heels. I wear sneakers or Tevas now, and they are both practical and comfortable, perhaps I'll find practical and comfortable shoes for the Jeffersonian too. Will Uranus still be your favorite planet (for obvious reasons), or will a more grown up planet take its place? People here have told me they think war robs people of their innocence… I don't want that to happen to you again._

_Personally, I think this time apart is good for us. I know I needed to get away and take a break. I've said over and over that I need to reprioritize and reanalyze my life. I need to reevaluate and see if solving murders is what I want to do. I believe I've decided that for the time being, I will remain with the Jeffersonian, and as an FBI liaison. But the more I do that, the more I come to fear that when we reunite, nothing will be the same. We will, physically be the same people, but psychologically, emotionally, even anthropologically, we will be changed. Nobody stays the same through the course of a year, and since we are apart, what will that mean for our partnership? Will we still be an effective team?_

_We worked well together because we knew each other… the nuances, subtle body movements, and voice inflections, of each other. Our partnership was based off of a trust that was built upon 5 years of working closely together. We won't be those people anymore; we won't have worked together for a year, so how can you be so sure that you'll know me?_

_Change seems to be the recurring theme of my letters. Everything is changing. We are changing, as individuals and as partners. I told you all those months ago that I didn't know how to change, but it wasn't exactly true. Booth, I was scared. I still am. I like to make lists and plan and know what is going to happen. I didn't know that you would become my best friend, the person I tell everything to. I didn't plan for any of it, and it's scary. I don't know what is going to happen in 7 months when we see each other again._

_I don't know what we will be like anymore, and it all scares me. I understood your letter Booth, I loved your letter, but it doesn't mean that we'll be the same._

_I'm sorry. This letter feels incomplete, but I don't know what else to say. I'm trying to change, Booth. I'm trying. I miss you, and look forward to your next letter._

_233 days,_

_Bones._

She put the letter in an envelope and addressed it. She didn't know what to think of this one. She tried to be honest and write without over-thinking or over-analyzing, but she knows that's who she is and what she does. She knows that she wants to change, and she thinks that maybe, when they are together again, everything will change again, only this time it will be a good change.


	14. Day 133

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Just a very quick letter, I thought it was appropriate from Booth. There will be a longer one when I come back from vacation, an actual response to Brennan's letter. Just warning you all, this is pretty depressing and heavy stuff.**

Day 133

He wanted to write to her as soon as he got back. He knew his last letter was very intimate and probably freaked her out a little. Judging from her lack of response waiting for him, he considered himself right. He waited impatiently through the debriefing of his last mission, the mission from hell.

He already knew what happened, what went wrong. Now all he wanted to do was write to her. He needed to. The one person on earth who used to drive him crazy with just a look was now that only person he needed for comfort and solace and peace of mind. Writing to her would make it better. Finally, after hours of depressing conversation, being yelled at by some of the highest ranking officials in the U.S. government, and deciding who would break the news to the families at home; he was back in the barracks. He was back at his desk before he showered, before confession, before he even ate anything, h e wrote.

_Dear Bones,_

_I just got back from the mission from hell. I hoped there'd be a letter waiting for me, but I know you too well to have expected one. You probably thought the rational thing to do would be to wait to mail anything until you got word that I was back safely. I also think I probably freaked you out a little with that last letter. Sorry. I just thought you should know what I know._

_That's not the reason for this letter, though. I just need to talk; I need to know there is someone who cares. I'm not even joking, the past 3 weeks were the worst weeks of my life. All of my training, both military and F.B.I. couldn't have prepared me for what happened._

_Somehow the targets we were assigned got word that we were coming. They were prepared for us, and when I sent those boys in I might as well have signed their death certificates. It was like Teddy, but 14 times over. It was a mêlée. Gunfire everywhere and we didn't know who was shooting who. It reminded me of that case we had the first year we were together, the solider we found burning on the grave. I wonder if that's what that night was like for them. We lost 4 kids, 8 others are seriously injured, and those who aren't are seriously traumatized. Hell, I'm seriously traumatized. I let them down Bones. I thought we were ready for anything, but we weren't. I know that it's really not my fault, but it doesn't help this feeling of guilt. I'm going to confession as soon as I'm finished with this letter, but I don't know how it will help. For the first time in my life, I don't know if my faith will help me. I'm lost. I just spent the better part of 6 hours getting debriefed, getting yelled at, and deciding how to tell those 4 kids' families their sons are coming home in a maple box. How do you get forgiven for that? I just hope the media doesn't get word of how all this went down. That would be a shitstorm._

_I can't go into detail about the mission, or the targets, or what went wrong. I've probably already told you too much, but I don't care. I needed you to know. Writing to you makes me feel better; it makes me feel more connected to the world. It reminds me of what I have to look forward to in 232 days. It reminds me of all the times we've sat and talked before. It makes my life here seem a little more normal._

_I've got to go now. Sorry this was so short and depressing, but I promise to write again soon and convince you that I'm alright and that I'll still know you in a year. I miss you, Bones, more than you probably know._

_Thinking of you and coffee carts,_

_Booth_

He addressed the letter and asked someone to bring it to the post office for him. He needed a shower, he needed to try and clean away the pain he felt and caused. He thought about his letter and wondered how he was going to last another 7 months without her. Once out of the shower, he just went to bed, hoping his dreams would be full of her, instead of the hell he had just been through.


	15. Day 143

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: home from vacation! And what a vacation it was. I don't actually have this chapter written in my notebook, it just came to me suddenly. Ha! I will have another chapter up shortly because ½ of it is already written. I just thought of this letter and decided this is where it had to go. It seemed like something that would happen to Bren, and it has roots in real life. Something similar happened to me in high school. If you want details after reading, message me or something. Also, Comments/Reviews = Love.**

Day 143

She didn't want to write this letter, especially after reading what he had to go through on his mission. But, he said he needed to know if anything happened, and while this wasn't life-threatening, he would still be mad if she didn't tell him. It really wasn't a big deal, she didn't know why she was so nervous about writing this letter. It's not like she got blown up or anyone died, it was just a little fire. Maybe she'd send him a picture, Angela said it would probably calm him, she also mentioned something about a lonely man out in the desert needing a happy ending, but she didn't know what that meant. Yes, a picture did seem like a good idea, she'd ask Daisy or perhaps another doctor to take one of her later, but for now, she sat down and wrote.

_Dear Booth,_

_I got your letter, the one about the mission. I've never been good at remembering colloquialisms, but I believe the correct one for that was, my heart was in my throat the entire time I read it. Booth, I am so glad that you are OK, physically. Mentally, though may be another issue. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. I know you know this, but I would be remiss not to remind you: you are in a war zone, you can't be the hero, and you can't be you because you promised me and Parker that you'd come home. I know you have no control over the conditions in Afghanistan, but you have control of yourself. I feel like I can't do my job here to the best of my abilities if I am worrying about you over there. I thought time apart, doing something different would help me. I thought being separated, not being so connected would give me some perspective and that I wouldn't worry so much about you. But I find myself possibly more nervous for you. I'm not sure how rational that is, and even that worries me. So, I'm asking you again Booth to be careful._

_I'm done preaching to you now, and have some other news to tell you._

_I got my hair cut. It's just above my shoulders and Dr. Murray cut some bangs into it as well. I know you don't need to know about the haircut, but you need to know about the events leading up to the haircut, and why it was necessary._

_I told you that I've started accompanying several colleagues and dig members as they go out after work. Last week we all had dinner together on the beach, and Dr. Davis started a bonfire once the sun went down. As the night progressed, we all ended up gathering around the fire and telling stories of our favorite digs, best working memories, favorite partners, and so on. I think you might find it interesting that Daisy says her favorite partner is me (even though we've never actually been partners. She was my intern for a very short time, but never my partner) but she says she's always worked best with Sweets (she called him Lance) she says they never worked in the lab or at a dig together, but talked about cases at home, and seemed to complement each other best. We were really getting to know each other well. It was a particularly breezy night on the beach and a rather strong gust of wind came through. I suppose I was a little too close to the bonfire because my hair caught on fire. It wasn't a big deal; we had it out in seconds, but my hair was a mess. I have a small burn on my cheek too, but just a first degree. I promise I'm fine. I'm including a picture so that you can see. It was an unexpected accident. There is no need for you to go AWOL or anything. I just wanted to let you know what happened before you heard it from someone else._

_I know this is short, but we've unearthed some more remains and our days are much longer now, so I'm more tired. I promise to write again soon. Please stay safe. I miss you._

_222 days,_

_Bones._

She finished the letter and set off to find someone to take her picture. Daisy was more than happy to oblige and took several. She printed some off on the lab's computer and put them in the envelope with her letter. She addressed it and sent it, hoping he liked her hair, and even more that he took her words to heart and stayed safe. She had a funny feeling about him being over there and knew she wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to him.


	16. Day 150

Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

**A/N: Comments & Reviews = Love. **

Day 150

It took him more than a week to get situated after the disastrous mission. He thought the 6 hour debriefing would be it, but there was more business to attend to, paperwork to fill out, and Skype sessions with Sweets. But he had to admit those weren't as bad as he thought they'd be. It was nice to talk to someone who knew him and get an immediate response. He wouldn't tell this to anyone but her, but he missed the kid, and their couple's sessions. He missed normalcy, he missed D.C., and he missed her. The first free moment he had, he sat down and addressed her latest letters.

_Dear Bones,_

_I tried to write to you again sooner, but this whole mission debacle has taken longer to clean up than anyone ever thought it would. It's still not completely over. All the survivors (including me) are in therapy now. Ugh. The only good thing about it is I got to choose my therapist, and maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or something, but Sweets and I have been Skype-ing._

_You can't tell this to anyone, especially not Daisy (who by the way is not seeing Kurt as far as Sweets knows), but I actually miss him. We used to try anything to get out of sessions with him, and now it's something I look forward to. On days that I don't get letters from you or Parker, it's the highlight of my day. Sweets says hi, and also wants to know when you want to resume sessions with him once we're stateside again. Ha! The kid is always working and always thinking. But I'm not writing to talk about Sweets and our therapy sessions, I'm writing to talk about you – or us. But while we're on the topic of Sweets, it might do you some good to talk to him too. I know you hate psychology, but it might help you figure out what's going on in that ginormous brain of yours… and Sweets would get a kick out of it. Think about it, OK?_

_Alright, Bones, so back to your letters. I don't know why you worry so much – well I do – it's your completely rational mind, but you should know that all those quirks of yours that I've catalogued, all those little details I've memorized that's just me noticing and recognizing and being the observant person I am. It's the reasons behind that information that's important, and the way that I know why you do those things. Knowing your favorite planet, or your favorite flower, or your favorite color is easy. Hell, Hacker probably even knows what they are – but he doesn't know why. I'm pretty sure Angela is probably the only person in the world besides me who knows why. Most people don't take the time to figure out why. I did because I care. I did because knowing every little thing about you will make us better partners. I just didn't know that in the meantime I'd end up feeling this way._

_It may take us a little while to get back into our groove at work, and we may need to reacclimate ourselves to each other, but we'll be fine and I'll always know you. I don't know why you think I won't… well I do, but I don't know why I can't change your mind. It's frustrating, but it's you… so I'll wait for you to figure yourself out. (Seems to be a recurring theme in my letters, huh?)_

_Now onto your second letter. I can't even be mad at you for managing to get hurt again. I mean, seriously you got your hair caught on fire. That's amazing. I laughed out loud for like 5 minutes… so did the guys I told. I'm glad you're alright, and I really like your hair. But seriously, you do need to be more careful. I'm being careful, I promise, you need to too. I'm not the only one Parker's counting on to come home safely. So please, take your own advice. I worry about you too, so how am I supposed to do my job correctly if I'm thinking about you getting conked on the head by broken equipment, and catching your head on fire. Please stay safe… and wear sunscreen. You look like you're getting a lot of sun over there in Makapupu or wherever you are. You still look beautiful though. Thank you for the pictures, they make my room less lonely, between them and Parker's pictures it looks like I actually have a family. It makes the guys a little jealous too. I decided I'd return the favor and have sent you some pictures of myself. I hope you like them, and that I'm just the way you remember me, because you are definitely._

_Now, my stomach is telling me that it's dinner time, so I'm going to say goodbye now. I miss you._

_215 days,_

_Booth._

_P.S. I'm also enclosing sunscreen. Please use it._

He put the letter, pictures, and sunscreen in a box and got ready to drop it off on his way to the cafeteria. As he made his way to the post office, he realized he put something else in the box – his heart. He knew she'd enjoy the pictures, and she'd respond to the letter… and she'd use the sunscreen, not just because it was all from him, but because it was the logical thing to do. He just hoped that she'd use his heart too, and maybe even send hers in return. He decided that after dinner he'd go to the chapel… the first time since the mission. Now he felt like there was something worth praying for and believing in again.


End file.
